Tips: Teachers, Leaders, & Users

One reason I see that people don’t achieve their goals is because they don’t have the skills. So having good tools is one thing, but you have to become skillful with them and that only happens through practice.  ~ Alan Seid

Hi, All,

I will be adding more material to this section soon. I am currently focusing on creating a YouTube Channel, explore connection, to offer introductory NVC lessons and to help NVC-ers who want to take NVC into colleges.

I want to give you some of my ideas about creating a productive atmosphere in the classroom. The section on Tips for Practice Group Leaders will be a much more elaborate section when I get everything posted. You might find it useful to check it out. Meanwhile, here are some thoughts I believe are most important in a college classroom.

People entering any field are eager to learn and use the correct jargon. If you are serious about the value of NVC, which is probably why you are hungry to bring it to a college classroom, you have probably hung out with other NVC-ers. It is also likely that you can hear  “When you observe x, are you feeling y because your need for z is not being met?” without batting an eye.

It is essential to keep in mind that most or all of your students did NOT choose to learn NVC, and do NOT come to you because of a hunger or even a willingness to transform their inner being. Learning terms that are used in math or sociology, business management or computers is all about new material in another world. NVC is inviting people to change the way they speak and think which is very personal and will quite reasonably elicit strong protest from many self-respecting students. “I do not want to sound like a robot.”  “Real people do not talk like that.”  “This is STUPID.”  “I tried using that language with my brother and he told to cut out that psychology s**t.” And you will not be doing your students any favor to believe they need to speak this specific language in order to connect with a world of people who will be turned off by this language.

On the other hand, teaching the principles behind NVC is giving the students solid tools useful in any field. An NVC friend has a friend in Germany who wants to write a book on how to teach NVC without using these words: observations, feelings, needs, requests, or empathy and using games to teach it! I hope he continues with his dream and that I can post some of his exercises on these pages in the future. Meanwhile, I told the students, “The terms are important for you to identify and sort out the pieces. When you have a clear picture, you will find many other words to speak about it.”

Rita Hertzog gave me this image at my first NVC Intensive Training, some years ago. She said “I never push NVC.  I just imagine that I am putting out a plate of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies and saying, ‘You are welcome to help yourself. You might like them’.” I aspired to teach principles and to invite the students to try them out and see if they worked for them. And then accepted all of their experiences. Many who originally brought evidence that something did not work later found other lessons which were exactly what they could use. I tried to honor that people are on many different paths and at many different places in their journey.

Many of the stories in Connection are highly personal which may give the mistaken impression that my college students shared their deepest secrets with each other. They did not. The papers were given only to the teacher. Students later agreed to share the stories with future classes and this book. Many chose to do so under a different name. The level of introspection in Connection is to invite personal self-awareness and self-care, mostly not to be shared in the group.

Teaching this material to college students can be a wonderful adventure. Thank you for your efforts.

Warmly, Bonnie

To NVC Leaders everywhere,

Thanks for your work in bringing more peace to the world.

Perhaps you will find some material in the Exercises and Handouts on this website (see menu) or in Connection that would support your teaching.  Please help yourself.

Warmly,  Bonnie

For Leaders of Practice Groups,

In this section I will be posting additional material geared to teaching Connection, much of it from the detailed notes kept by Carolyn Stevens, as she has led practice groups working with Connection for over 10 years. More material will be posted soon in this section of the website.

Here are a few thoughts that stand out for me. Being authentic as a person who will make mistakes and then modeling how to accept yourself, own your mistakes, and go on, is much more useful than being perfect. Preparing carefully for the group meetings will increase both your ease and the amount of learning that happens.

Many of the stories in Connection are highly personal, which may give the mistaken impression that my college students shared their deepest secrets with each other. They did not. The papers were given only to the teacher. Students later  agreed to share the stories with future classes and this book. Many chose to do so under a different name. The level of introspection in Connection is to invite personal self-awareness and self-care, mostly not to be shared in the group.

When you ask people to be mindful about the confidentiality of others in the group, don’t forget to also ask them to maintain the self-care to NOT share anything that would be devastating if it were repeated. Why? Because we are all human and humans sometimes forget and break any promise of confidentiality.

In a practice group that has ongoing connections outside the group, such as being members of a church, it is particularly important to help them protect their own privacy, to invite people to share positive things about themselves, NOT deep, painful, and personal ones. It is NOT a counseling group. If people end up sharing more personal stuff in the mood of the moment, they may end up needing to leave their original group to avoid people who know too many of their secrets.

Pick light examples. When the situation you are using for practicing  is too personal, the emotions will overwhelm learning the skill. Focus on practicing the skills with easy examples and then in slightly more challenging ones.

Nonjudgmental laughing together in a group is a great aid to remembering the topic of the day.

You might also enjoy Lucy Leu’s book on organizing, preparing for, and leading NVC practice groups, which you can order at Puddle Dancer Press.

More suggestions soon. Thanks for your dedication in spreading peace.

Warmly,  Bonnie

Dear Solo Explorers,

Just a brief note for now. More information here soon.

Gandhi said that violence starts in the ways we think and talk about ourselves and others. Therefore, inner work is the starting place for peace in our lives and peace in the world. Many people have journaled their way from inner chaos to a solid sense of themselves and improved relationships. Your first focus is on self-awareness and self-care.

I hope you can find a playful dance with yourself, your life, your joys, and your sorrows.

Perhaps you will find questions, inspiration, and comfort, in the many authentic stories of the students in Connection. Thanks for joining this journey with us.

Warmly,  Bonnie