Interesting Tidbits

PREFACE     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .    i – xiv

SECTION ONE: A SET OF TOOL FOR LOOKING AT ONESELF AND OTHERS
Overview of Section One                                                    1

CHAPTER ONE – Making Clear Nonjudgmental Observations   5
Definition of Observations .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .  5
Common Language Errors that distort observations   .     7
Importance of using observations    .     .    .     .     .    .     9
Five suggestions for increasing use of observations    .   12

CHAPTER TWO – Hearing the Message from Your Feelings  17
Feelings contrasted with thoughts    .    .     .     .    .     .     18
Lists of feelings and non-feelings   .     .    .     .     .    .     .  20
Do you have a choice about what you are feeling?   .     .  23
Five suggestions for noticing your feelings   .     .     .    .    24
Working with uncomfortable feelings    .     .    .     .    .    .  24

CHAPTER THREE – Recognizing Your Universal Needs  29
Lists of universal needs    .     .    .     .    .    .     .     .    .     30
Difference between needs and strategies    .     .    .     .     34
Abundance of strategies     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .       35
Using needs awareness to move from judgments to compassion  37
Five suggestions for increasing awareness of needs     .   40

CHAPTER FOUR – Crafting Respectful Requests    .    45
Times for demands and times for requests     .     .    .     .  45
Non-negotiable matters     .     .    .     .     .    .     .    .     .    46
Basic components of effective requests     .     .     .    .     . 49
Requests for connection often precede requests for action 52

CHAPTER FIVE – And an Attitude: Choosing to Connect  57
Living a more choiceful life     .     .    .     .     .     .    .     .     58
Working with enemy images of others     .     .    .     .     .    61
Tricks of the mind that perpetuate conflict    .     .     .    .     63
Releasing endorphins with an attitude of gratitude    .     .   65
Deeply honoring two sets of needs = win-win solutions    .  67

SECTION TWO – SELF-CARE STRATEGIES TO LIVE LONG & THRIVE
Overview of Section Two                                                      73

CHAPTER SIX – Self-Care: Nurturing Body and Brain    77
Observations– Understanding your brain structure     .    .   77
Feelings– Calming your “overload feeling” by breathing      78
Needs– Taking care of your vehicle     .    .     .     .    .     .    80
Request of Yourself– Create a first aid kit     .     .    .     .     82
And an Attitude– Beam me up, Scottie     .    .     .    .     .     85

CHAPTER SEVEN – Self-Care: Doing Inner Work    .    . 89
Observations– Tracking yourself     .    .     .     .    .          .   89
Feelings– Transforming painful memories to needs awareness  92
Needs– Finding your needs under your judgment     .     .  95
Request of Yourself– Envision what would enrich your life 97
And an Attitude– Noticing satisfying actions     .     .    .      99

CHAPTER EIGHT  – Making Decisions for Self-Care   103
Observations– How is your life going?     .    .     .     .    .  104
Feelings & Needs– Using needs-based decision-making 105
Request of Yourself– Make deliberate choices of self-care  108
And an Attitude– Saying and hearing “No” in connecting ways 111

SECTION THREE: COMMUNICATING TO BUILD CONNECTION
Overview of Section Three                                                119

CHAPTER NINE – Listening for Connection    .    .     . 123
Observations– Avoiding communication barriers      .     . 124
Listen for Feelings & Needs– What’s alive in the other person? 130
Request of Yourself– Translate:  hear all complaints as requests 136
And an Attitude– Cultivating your deep listening skills    .  137

CHAPTER TEN – Talking for Connection    .     .    .     . 143
Observations– Remembering your audience and being choiceful 144
Find and Sometimes Share your Feelings & Needs– Being aware 148
Requests– Ask for the kind of listening you would like       153
And an Attitude– Investing more effort in one relationship  155

SECTION FOUR: STAYING IN RESPECTFUL CONNECTION AT DIFFICULT TIMES
Overview of Section Four                                                  159

CHAPTER ELEVEN – Dealing with Anger – Yours and Theirs 163
Observations– Looking into the heart of your anger     .   163
Feelings & Needs– Managing your anger in daily encounters 166
Requests of Yourself– Differentiate between stimulus and cause  170
And an Attitude– Anger is contagious; so is compassion  172

CHAPTER TWELVE: Turning Conflict into Win-Win Situations  181
1. PREPARE     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .    .    .    .    .  182
Become aware of discomfort and unmet needs.
Check your attitude.
Prepare yourself physically and mentally.

2. INITIATE     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .   .     .    .  185
Share topic and intention to connect.
Agree upon time and place.

3. DIALOGUE    .     .     .    .     . .     .    .     .     .    .     .  188
Sit down, get present, and repeat your intention to connect.
State concisely your concern. Invite their response.
Listen.  Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
Listen.  Get all of their feelings, needs, and concerns on the table.
Breathe, slow down, and check your attitude.
Speak.  Get all of your feelings, needs, and concerns on the table.

4. RESOLVE     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .193
Summarize the needs of both parties and write them down.
Brainstorm possible strategies and write them down.
If it is major, give it time.  Wait for further inspiration.
Decide on individual and joint next steps. Write them down.
Try them out.

5. REVISIT     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .   . 195
Check back on how it is working.
Start over again if it does not work the first time.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN – What’s Next?    .    .     .     .    . 205
What have you learned?  What are your goals?     .    .     205
Some closing suggestions     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .   208

APPENDIX 
Recommended Books and Other Sources of Information  209
Index of Sources – Direct and Indirect    .    .     .     .    .    212
Some Universal Feelings     .    .     .     .   .     .     .    .     . 212
Universal Needs    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .   213
Turning Conflict into Win-Win Situations.    .     .     .    .     214
Acknowledgements.     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .  215
About the Author     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .    .     .     .  216
Index of Students Quoted in Book    .    .    .    .    .    .    .   217
Index    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .   218

Without the students who generously shared their explorations, questions, and experimentations with these ideas, there would be no book.  I am so grateful for their courage.

My Conflict Management classes (Fall 2004 through Fall 2007) at Champlain College in Burlington, Vermont, consisted of students majoring in Criminal Justice, Business, Social Work, Applied Psychology, and a smattering of other fields.  A majority of the students were juniors and seniors and, for most, this was a required class.  The students came from the U.S., France, Japan, Jordan, Nepal, Norway, and Sweden.  Most were of traditional college age, but you will also notice the voices of older students. Some have chosen to use their real names; others have preferred a fictitious name.  In a few instances different students have used the same name.

This book reflects thoughts of students at all levels of the process.  Some arrived having already learned and incorporated many of these skills. Others have never noticed or thought about them.  Here are some of the starting points for taking the class on conflict management:

Nicholas:  I hate feeling bad after the conflict. I find myself feeling bad about the things I said or the tone I used to defend myself. My problem with speaking before thinking has gotten me into a lot of trouble throughout my life. I have lost friendships, jobs and respect from many people. I want to learn to deal with conflict in a more mature manner.  

Abby:  I am so bad at settling fights, especially with my boyfriend. I need help with this. 

Tom:  Whenever I am subject to negative comments or criticism, I tend to get defensive almost automatically. I used to be a music major at my old college. My studies involved performing in front of various faculty members in order to be judged and criticized into the right direction. I wish I had learned to not take comments so personally, so I could have used the critiques of my performances in more positive ways. Instead of being caught up in inner anger at the teachers, I could have considered that maybe the teachers truly wanted me to improve my skills. Then I could have learned from their knowledge. 

Tiphaine:  I know I criticize people too much. I can be very aggressive against others to defend my opinions. 

Jay:  I can fly off the handle easily. It is hard for me to say, “Everything will be okay” when it isn’t at the beginning. If I change the way I deal with conflict, my life will improve in that I will be a happier person. I will be able to have more free time with my mind to think about better ideas than how to escape the conflict at hand. 

 Suzanne:  I am the biggest coward there is about conflict. I will do anything not to have to confront someone. My friends and family often get tired of hearing me complain about a person or a situation. They’ll say, “Oh, my God, just say something about it or it will never change.”  I know they are right. I hope this class will help me find the courage to take better care of myself.

Daphne:  I didn’t want to take Public Speaking and I needed a replacement class. There is always conflict at hand, so it’s good to know the correct way to deal with conflicts.

Stevie:  I have lost relationships in my life due to the way I speak and deal with situations, and that is why I signed up for this class.