The Power of Observation

Peggy Smith, in Phases of the Moon, a monthly newsletter from Maine NVC, August 2010

The quality of our Observation influences the common ground we can establish at the onset of a conversation – it also has the potential of alleviating some of our suffering.

“Don’t confuse me with the facts!” This was a favorite saying of someone I worked with many years ago. His somewhat joking approach to details runs counter to what we practice in Nonviolent Communication (NVC). What we experience when following the NVC model is that the facts can be the beginning of the road to connection.

Actually, we find that carefully discerning facts and separating them from opinions or evaluations is a valuable first step in developing compassionate consciousness. This discernment has two invaluable consequences: (1) freeing us from the suffering caused by our own interpretations about what happened; and (2) opening a conversation with clarity and mutual trust.

The first life-affirming consequence of making observations is getting clear about what actually happened and letting go of our interpretations or stories arising from what happened. This practice can sometimes end the suffering arising from an event.

Here is an example from one of my workshops. One participant, let’s call him Bob, chose as the focus of his weekend’s work framing a conversation with a friend “who doesn’t like me anymore.” Several times Bob talked with a deep sense of sadness and bewilderment about this change in his friend’s attitude.

Bob shared that at a reception following an art opening (at which Bob had been a featured artist), his friend didn’t speak to him. From this event Bob had created in his mind a story about losing this very treasured friendship – Bob told himself that his friend had not enjoyed his artwork – he told himself that his friend was angry at him about something – he told himself that his friend didn’t want to be his friend any longer.

At the workshop Bob learned how to discern an observation. When we make an observation, we consider ONLY what a camcorder with sound capability could capture – recordable facts.

We avoid words that have a variety of shades of meaning (bully, weird, passive-aggressive, yelling, whispering, angry, shy, etc). Instead, we describe the behavior that is leading us to use ‘short-cut’ words that different people might interpret differently. It is also important to avoid words that denote continuous behavior (always, never, repeatedly, etc.)

After a variety of exercises to practice the four components of an NVC conversation, Bob began to compose a dialogue he wanted to have with his friend. He began with the observation. After several minutes Bob became quite excited. When I asked him what was up, he replied with a huge smile on his face. “It’s simple. The observation has changed everything.”

Bob went on to explain that he found the observation amidst all his mind stories about his friend, and could clearly state to himself: “At the reception my friend didn’t speak to me.”

Once the observation was clear to Bob, he could see his suffering had arisen from all the stories he created around his friend not speaking. “It’s possible,” Bob continued, “that he was just having a bad time at the moment. It might have had nothing to do with me.” With that inner freedom Bob was ready to check in with his friend with a sense of ease. Getting to the observation was key to Bob’s relief from inner suffering and opened up the inner space to make outer connection with this friend.

The second life-affirming consequence of making observations is that, because they are free of opinions & evaluations, observations can help begin conversations in a way that allows others to keep their protective shields down, thereby making it more likely that connecting conversations will follow.

When I want to talk with someone about something that could be “sticky,” I want to be clear and at the same time focus the conversation in a way that encourages the hearer to stay open to communicating with me. When the observation is clear, it is likely that the listener will agree that it is accurate. This gets the conversation started with some level of agreement.

Remember, our opinions and evaluations are important information for OURSELVES. They give us valuable information about what we value and where we are in our nonviolent consciousness journey. However, they are not likely to contribute to mutual connection when expressed to the other person. In the Further Practice activity below you will find a process to shift evaluations into observations.

When we first encounter the Observation step at the beginning of an NVC dialogue, the power of observations is often underestimated. Taking time to hone our observation skills is an important part of our NVC development.

Author’s gratitude: I want to express my appreciation to NVC certified trainers: Lynd Morris – whose empathy nourishes my life and whose editing enriches my writings and Bonnie Fraser – whose talents have contributed greatly to the practice section.