How can I find Empathy when I am Angry?

The next time you’re feeling anger, try shifting blame for yourself and others to an empathic connection. Here are the basic steps:

  1. Stop, pause, and take a breath. What are you feeing in your body at this moment?
  2. Enjoy [silently] all the judgments racing through your head; observe these judgmental thoughts but don’t condemn yourself for having them. Allow them to go by and simply recognize them.
  3. Identify your own feelings and needs – really sit with them. See if you can feel a shift in your body and / or your feelings.
  4. When ready, guess the feelings and unmet needs of the other person. If you are not ready, go back to step three.
  5. Offer empathy, starting with empathy for the other person first, if possible.
  6. If you can‘t muster empathy for the other person, give more empathy to yourself.

Move back and forth between steps five and six, as needed. Here are the steps again, fleshed out:

1. Get Centered and Connected

You’re probably going to want some breathing room to do this, especially in the beginning when your patterns of responding to anger are entrenched and you have little experience with alternatives. You may wish to absent yourself, or engage in some deep breathing, taking ten slow breaths in and out. Step outside for the moment, or excuse yourself to use the toilet. If you don’t feel it’s possible to step away, you may want to request a pause – “Can you give a second?” Use this time to self-connect. If you want additional support in this skill, meditation and mindfulness training can also be helpful in developing the ability to stop, pause, and self-connect.

2. Enjoy the Judgment Show

This is when you say every blaming, critical, other-directed remark you can think of. Don’t try to stop the flow, evaluate, or judge it. Simply observe it, notice the patterns and rhythms, and underlying themes and common threads. You may even appreciate the creativity, irony, or humor of your judgments. Don’t try to stop your “primal scream” prematurely. Let your judgments rush out like water from a dam, the rage and energy completing its natural course. Eventually, it will run down to a trickle. At that point, see if you can translate these judgments into feelings and needs.

The only key here is that your judgments are best enjoyed silently to yourself or at least not aloud in the presence of the person to whom your anger is directed. They won’t know, of course, that this deluge of judgments is just a step in offering them empathy. And they probably won’t enjoy the show as much as you.

3. Identify Your Feelings and Needs

The wealth of information provided by your judgments makes the identification of your feelings and needs an easier task. [Consult the lists of feelings and needs, if that is helpful.] Feel free to put the need(s) in your own words, or think of needs not on the list. What are you most wanting in this situation? What needs and values are not being met?

4. Time to Swap – Guess the Feelings and Needs of the Other Person

This is a tough one. After giving attention to your own feelings and needs, it’s time to guess what the other person is experiencing. Take a deep breath and try to imagine the situation from the other side, knowing that the other person has the same fundamental needs as you do. In what ways are their needs not being met? What, do you imagine, might be stimulated in the other person by this situation? If you are stimulated by their words or actions, give yourself some empathy. Once you have the “empathy oxygen” you need, go back to empathizing with the other person.

5 and 6. Play Empathy Shuffle

Being aware of your own feelings and needs, take turns guessing the feelings and needs of the other person and expressing your own. In general, you will want the person who is “bleeding the most”- who is least calm and receptive to input, to receive attention first. When offering empathy to others, begin buy making three empathic guesses, waiting for feedback each time. See what is going on in the other person. Stick as close as possible to the model of clear Observations, internal Feelings, personal Needs, and non-coercive Requests.

Jane Connor and Dian Killian, in their book, Connecting across Differences, pages 240-242 which can be ordered at Puddle Dance Press