Claiming a More Choiceful Life
Tom: Rosenberg pointed out something that really opened my eyes: “Human beings were not meant to be slaves. We were not meant to succumb to the dictates of ‘should’ and ‘have to’ whether they come from outside or from inside ourselves.” I am constantly saying to myself how I have to take school more seriously or I have to start eating better or I have to work out more. According to Rosenberg I have to figure out my needs behind all those desired activities and really figure out why I want to do them so badly and only then will the self-judging stop. Instead of saying to myself “I have to start taking school more seriously,” I could say “I choose to take school more seriously because….” Perhaps I’ll have more luck accomplishing things for myself if I find the true needs behind them.
[Notice that Tom hears Rosenberg’s suggestion as another “have to.” This is a good example of how we continue to repeat patterns of thinking, even when we want to change.]How much choice do we have in our lives?
Some people think they have few choices because they believe that they need to follow the rules, be accepted by peers, and make everyone around them happy. Others think they have few choices because of their genetic makeup or their social upbringing. You can find more freedom in your life if you rethink these assumptions. NVC says you always have a choice in every situation whether you like your choice or not. What seems true to you?
Experiencing control over your own life is such a basic human hunger that expanding your choices is often invigorating. Listening in on your inner dialogue and then changing your self-talk can increase your options. First, make a list of all the things you tell yourself you “have to do” (= “I should, I have to, I need to, I must, or I ought to.”) Start each sentence with the phrase that fits for you. Then re-write the list using this template: “I choose to ___ because I ___.”
Peggy: I should clean the house every day.
I should spend more time with my mom.
I should not spend money on my credit card.
I should be more involved with the community.
I should take the dog out more often.
I choose to clean the house daily because I like it to be clean.
I choose to spend less time with my mom because we argue.
I choose not to use the credit card because I want to have good credit.
I choose not to be more involved with the community because I have no time.
I choose not to take the dog out because it has been so cold lately.
| A Choiceful Life: Example by Suzanne |
|---|
| List three things you tell yourself you “have to do”=”I should, I have to, I need to, I must, or I ought to.” Start each sentence with the phrase that fits for you |
| I should teach Sunday School. |
| I should sub at preschool. |
| I should feed my friend’s cat. |
| Write your list again, substituting “I choose to” for the “have to”. Then ask yourself why you would choose to do this? What need does it meet? Give your reason. |
| I choose to teach Sunday School because it meets my need for contribution |
| I choose to sub for only an hour and a half at a time for the preschool because I want to see the children. (I worked for them full time over the summer and I miss them.) I choose not to sub a full day. |
| I choose to watch my friend’s cat because I will feel guilty if I don’t. |
| Reflection: Which of these actions makes your life more alive and satisfying? |
| Teaching Sunday School |
| Reflection: Which actions do not contribute to your well-being? Explain. |
| Feeding my friend’s cat is unnecessary – I have to go out of my way to go there and the cat has a huge bowl of dry food. Feeding him is adding resentment to our relationship. |
| Reflection: Which actions call for further thought? |
| I would like to see the children, but maybe I would like to visit them, instead of subbing. |
Lucy: I decided to notice when I say the word “should” and to ask myself to find the choice underneath it that would enhance my life; to ask whether this is something I would like to actively pursue or to get off my case about. A month ago, I heard myself say, “I should go abroad.” Immediately I stopped myself to consider whether this was really important to me. I decided to pursue it. I then set up a meeting with the professor in charge of studying abroad and began to look at my options. I am now planning to go to India, my first semester senior year.
What if your list includes activities such as feeding a baby at 2:00 am? You are tired and plan to get up for an early class and for a few minutes you feel great resentment that you “have to get up.” You can make it worse by blaming yourself—calling yourself an unloving mother or father. Or blaming the baby – thinking of him or her as a spoiled brat.
A happier alternative is to acknowledge your need for sleep. Next ask yourself what other needs you have? Let yourself find the aliveness of your own needs and then notice the needs the baby is expressing. Which of your needs would you meet to get up and feed the baby? Perhaps it meets your need to contribute to the baby’s well-being. Perhaps you have a need for integrity – to know that you follow through on commitments. It probably meets several needs. When you focus on these, you can likely move your resentment into satisfaction.
What about paying the rent or making the mortgage payment?
When you consider your needs, your options, and the probable outcome of each choice, you may decide that making these payments is your best choice, but it is still a choice.
| A Choiceful Life: |
|---|
| List three things you tell yourself you “have to do”=”I should, I have to, I need to, I must, or I ought to.” Start each sentence with the phrase that fits for you |
| I |
| I |
| I |
| I |
| I |
| Write your list again, substituting “I choose to” for the “have to”. Then ask yourself why you would choose to do this? What need does it meet? Give your reason. |
| I choose to |
| I choose to |
| I choose to |
| I choose to |
| I choose to |
| Reflection: Which of these actions makes your life more alive and satisfying? |
| Reflection: Which actions do not contribute to your well-being? Explain. |
| Reflection: Which actions call for further thought? |
from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com