Identifying Common Language Errors That Distort Observations
People are complex and multi-faceted. Simple labels are always insufficient. A labeled file puts people in boxes in our thinking. (We can also put a limiting label on ourselves.) This makes it very hard for us to take in any information about them that contradicts the label we have assigned them. Describing specific actions rather than labeling people is a useful way to identify our own habitual faulty language errors. Perhaps you will find some of your own thoughts below.
We make moralistic evaluations.
- Moralistic Evaluation: Benson is sketchy.
- Observation: Benson sings Russian opera as he walks across campus.
- Observation: Benson starts every day with yoga exercises.
- Moralistic Evaluation: Jessica is awesome.
- Observation: Jessica took two hours to help me with my computer virus.
- Observation: Jessica starts every day with yoga exercises.
We declare our evaluations as if they were a fact.
- Moralistic Evaluation: Jordan is a great basketball player.
- Observation: Jordan made more baskets than anyone else on the team this season.
- Moralistic Evaluation: Martians are lazy.
- Observation: The Martians who live near me mowed their lawn twice last summer.
We generalize from one or a few events and state that this behavior is ongoing across the board.
- Generalization: I am no good at math.
- Observation: I failed math in eighth grade and have avoided it ever since.
- Observation: I am getting low marks in my math class.
- Observation: I haven’t yet figured out how to do the problems for the math homework.
We exaggerate a bit to be more persuasive, to make a point.
- Exaggeration: Beth is always late.
- Observation: Last month Beth was late to five lessons, on time for two, and early once.
We imagine we are mind readers and can tell the motives and thoughts of another person.
- Mind-reading: James has not called. Therefore, I know he does not value me.
- Observation: James has not called.
- Mind-reading: She thinks I am her mother, so she acts out all her mother issues on me.
- Observation: She walked away when I asked her if she had finished her homework.
- Mind-reading: He is only polite to me because he wants to impress my sister.
- Observation: Whenever I see him, he asks how I am doing. (I do not know his reasons).
If we want others to act in a certain way and they do not, we enlist a “rule” they have broken.
- Enlisted “rule”: You need to act your age.
- Observation: The pizza boxes from your party last night are still on the coffee table.
- Enlisted “rule”: Friends go to each other’s parties.
- Observation: I go to all of my friends’ parties.
from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com