Interesting Tidbits
PREFACE . . . . . . . . . . . . i – xiv
SECTION ONE: A SET OF TOOL FOR LOOKING AT ONESELF AND OTHERS
Overview of Section One 1
CHAPTER ONE – Making Clear Nonjudgmental Observations 5
Definition of Observations . . . . . . . . . 5
Common Language Errors that distort observations . 7
Importance of using observations . . . . . . 9
Five suggestions for increasing use of observations . 12
CHAPTER TWO – Hearing the Message from Your Feelings 17
Feelings contrasted with thoughts . . . . . . 18
Lists of feelings and non-feelings . . . . . . . 20
Do you have a choice about what you are feeling? . . 23
Five suggestions for noticing your feelings . . . . 24
Working with uncomfortable feelings . . . . . . 24
CHAPTER THREE – Recognizing Your Universal Needs 29
Lists of universal needs . . . . . . . . . 30
Difference between needs and strategies . . . . 34
Abundance of strategies . . . . . . . . 35
Using needs awareness to move from judgments to compassion 37
Five suggestions for increasing awareness of needs . 40
CHAPTER FOUR – Crafting Respectful Requests . 45
Times for demands and times for requests . . . . 45
Non-negotiable matters . . . . . . . . . 46
Basic components of effective requests . . . . . 49
Requests for connection often precede requests for action 52
CHAPTER FIVE – And an Attitude: Choosing to Connect 57
Living a more choiceful life . . . . . . . . 58
Working with enemy images of others . . . . . 61
Tricks of the mind that perpetuate conflict . . . . 63
Releasing endorphins with an attitude of gratitude . . 65
Deeply honoring two sets of needs = win-win solutions . 67
SECTION TWO – SELF-CARE STRATEGIES TO LIVE LONG & THRIVE
Overview of Section Two 73
CHAPTER SIX – Self-Care: Nurturing Body and Brain 77
Observations– Understanding your brain structure . . 77
Feelings– Calming your “overload feeling” by breathing 78
Needs– Taking care of your vehicle . . . . . . 80
Request of Yourself– Create a first aid kit . . . . 82
And an Attitude– Beam me up, Scottie . . . . . 85
CHAPTER SEVEN – Self-Care: Doing Inner Work . . 89
Observations– Tracking yourself . . . . . . 89
Feelings– Transforming painful memories to needs awareness 92
Needs– Finding your needs under your judgment . . 95
Request of Yourself– Envision what would enrich your life 97
And an Attitude– Noticing satisfying actions . . . 99
CHAPTER EIGHT – Making Decisions for Self-Care 103
Observations– How is your life going? . . . . . 104
Feelings & Needs– Using needs-based decision-making 105
Request of Yourself– Make deliberate choices of self-care 108
And an Attitude– Saying and hearing “No” in connecting ways 111
SECTION THREE: COMMUNICATING TO BUILD CONNECTION
Overview of Section Three 119
CHAPTER NINE – Listening for Connection . . . 123
Observations– Avoiding communication barriers . . 124
Listen for Feelings & Needs– What’s alive in the other person? 130
Request of Yourself– Translate: hear all complaints as requests 136
And an Attitude– Cultivating your deep listening skills . 137
CHAPTER TEN – Talking for Connection . . . . 143
Observations– Remembering your audience and being choiceful 144
Find and Sometimes Share your Feelings & Needs– Being aware 148
Requests– Ask for the kind of listening you would like 153
And an Attitude– Investing more effort in one relationship 155
SECTION FOUR: STAYING IN RESPECTFUL CONNECTION AT DIFFICULT TIMES
Overview of Section Four 159
CHAPTER ELEVEN – Dealing with Anger – Yours and Theirs 163
Observations– Looking into the heart of your anger . 163
Feelings & Needs– Managing your anger in daily encounters 166
Requests of Yourself– Differentiate between stimulus and cause 170
And an Attitude– Anger is contagious; so is compassion 172
CHAPTER TWELVE: Turning Conflict into Win-Win Situations 181
1. PREPARE . . . . . . . . . . . . 182
Become aware of discomfort and unmet needs.
Check your attitude.
Prepare yourself physically and mentally.
2. INITIATE . . . . . . . . . . . . 185
Share topic and intention to connect.
Agree upon time and place.
3. DIALOGUE . . . . . . . . . . . . 188
Sit down, get present, and repeat your intention to connect.
State concisely your concern. Invite their response.
Listen. Seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
Listen. Get all of their feelings, needs, and concerns on the table.
Breathe, slow down, and check your attitude.
Speak. Get all of your feelings, needs, and concerns on the table.
4. RESOLVE . . . . . . . . . . . .193
Summarize the needs of both parties and write them down.
Brainstorm possible strategies and write them down.
If it is major, give it time. Wait for further inspiration.
Decide on individual and joint next steps. Write them down.
Try them out.
5. REVISIT . . . . . . . . . . . . . 195
Check back on how it is working.
Start over again if it does not work the first time.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN – What’s Next? . . . . . 205
What have you learned? What are your goals? . . 205
Some closing suggestions . . . . . . . . 208
APPENDIX
Recommended Books and Other Sources of Information 209
Index of Sources – Direct and Indirect . . . . . 212
Some Universal Feelings . . . . . . . . . 212
Universal Needs . . . . . . . . . . . 213
Turning Conflict into Win-Win Situations. . . . . 214
Acknowledgements. . . . . . . . . . . 215
About the Author . . . . . . . . . . . 216
Index of Students Quoted in Book . . . . . . . 217
Index . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 218
About the Students Quoted in Connection
Without the students who generously shared their explorations, questions, and experimentations with these ideas, there would be no book. I am so grateful for their courage.
My Conflict Management classes (Fall 2004 through Fall 2007) at Champlain College in Burlington, Vermont, consisted of students majoring in Criminal Justice, Business, Social Work, Applied Psychology, and a smattering of other fields. A majority of the students were juniors and seniors and, for most, this was a required class. The students came from the U.S., France, Japan, Jordan, Nepal, Norway, and Sweden. Most were of traditional college age, but you will also notice the voices of older students. Some have chosen to use their real names; others have preferred a fictitious name. In a few instances different students have used the same name.
This book reflects thoughts of students at all levels of the process. Some arrived having already learned and incorporated many of these skills. Others have never noticed or thought about them. Here are some of the starting points for taking the class on conflict management:
Nicholas: I hate feeling bad after the conflict. I find myself feeling bad about the things I said or the tone I used to defend myself. My problem with speaking before thinking has gotten me into a lot of trouble throughout my life. I have lost friendships, jobs and respect from many people. I want to learn to deal with conflict in a more mature manner.
Abby: I am so bad at settling fights, especially with my boyfriend. I need help with this.
Tom: Whenever I am subject to negative comments or criticism, I tend to get defensive almost automatically. I used to be a music major at my old college. My studies involved performing in front of various faculty members in order to be judged and criticized into the right direction. I wish I had learned to not take comments so personally, so I could have used the critiques of my performances in more positive ways. Instead of being caught up in inner anger at the teachers, I could have considered that maybe the teachers truly wanted me to improve my skills. Then I could have learned from their knowledge.
Tiphaine: I know I criticize people too much. I can be very aggressive against others to defend my opinions.
Jay: I can fly off the handle easily. It is hard for me to say, “Everything will be okay” when it isn’t at the beginning. If I change the way I deal with conflict, my life will improve in that I will be a happier person. I will be able to have more free time with my mind to think about better ideas than how to escape the conflict at hand.
Suzanne: I am the biggest coward there is about conflict. I will do anything not to have to confront someone. My friends and family often get tired of hearing me complain about a person or a situation. They’ll say, “Oh, my God, just say something about it or it will never change.” I know they are right. I hope this class will help me find the courage to take better care of myself.
Daphne: I didn’t want to take Public Speaking and I needed a replacement class. There is always conflict at hand, so it’s good to know the correct way to deal with conflicts.
Stevie: I have lost relationships in my life due to the way I speak and deal with situations, and that is why I signed up for this class.
Index of Sources in Connection
INDEX OF SOURCES IN CONNECTION |
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Bailey, Becky A., 79, 161 Bolton, Robert, 125 Bond, Thom, 62 Bonino, Cinse, 25 Chodron, Pema, 172 Connor, Jane and Dian Killian, 2, 6, 159 Covey, Stephen, 189 Dass, Ram, 4 Delahanty, Frances, 14 DeVito, Joseph A., 6 Dodson, Bert, (see Hoagland) Donohue, William A. with Kolt, 78, 135, 158 Ellis, Albert, 1, 10 Fujishin, Randy, 146 Gandhi, Mohandas, 1 Gendlin, Eugene, 18 Gilbert, Daniel, 63 Gonzales, Robert, 138 Herrmann Brain Dominance Institute, The, 31 Hoagland, Mahlon, and Bert Dodson, 67 Katie, Byron, 41 Killian, Dian and Jane Connor, 2, 6, 159 Kolt, William (see Donohue) Linn, Dennis, Sheila and Matthew Linn, 155 Maslow, Abraham, 29, 30, 57, 73 Mattinson, Glenda, 136 Max-Neef, Manfred A., 30, 31 Mellody, Pia, 10, 102, 152 Peacock, Fletcher, 65-66 Perls, Fritz, 151 Robbins, Tony, 23 Rogers, Carl R., 29, 137 Rosenberg, Marshall, xiii, 1, 11, 28-29, 30, 48, 58, 64, 65, 73, 105, 113, 132, 146, 149, 153, 166-169, 214 Rubio, Jorge, 165, 167 Ruiz, Don Miguel, 142 Rumi, 13 Search Institute, The, 31 Seuss, Dr., 204 Socrates, 165 Thurman, Howard 72 Twelve-Step Programs, 85, 160 |
Links for People Quoted on this Website
People Quoted on Website | Books and Links |
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Cadden, Catherine | co-author The Ongo Book; everyday nonviolence |
Center for Nonviolent Communication | https://www.cnvc.org |
Connor, Jane | co-author Connecting Across Differences: A Guide to Compassionate, Nonviolent Communication |
Cunningham, John | www.empathy-conexus.org |
Donohue, William A. | co-author Managing Interpersonal Conflict |
Duchscherer, Duke | https://www.togetherwethrive.com |
Gonzales, Robert | https://living-compassion.org |
Gyatso, Tenzin (Dalai Lama) |
https://www.dalailama.com |
Killian, Dian | co-author Connecting Across Differences: A Guide to Compassionate, Nonviolent Communication author, Urban Empathy https://www.workcollaboratively.com |
Kolt, Robert | co-author Managing Interpersonal Conflict |
Kornfield, Jack | Buddhist practitioner and author of many Buddhist books |
Max-Need, Manfred | Chilean economist, author
https://wiki.p2pfoundation.net/Max-Neef_Model_of_Human-Scale_Development |
Rosenberg, Marshall | founder NVC |
Rumi, Jalal ad-Din | https://www.Rumi.net |
Seid, Alan | www.CascadiaWorkshops.com |
Smith, Peggy | www.MaineNvcNetwork.org |
Vera, Pan | www.lifeserving.com |
Weins, Jesse | co-author The Ongo Book; everyday nonviolence |
Photo | Title | Photographer |
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Rhone Glacier, Obergoms, SWITZERLAND | Dave Ruck Unsplash 1075684 @daventures |
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Cover of CONNECTION | Cliff Gaines A1STUDIOSAZ.COM |
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Three Cliffs Bay, WALES footprints on beach, rocks |
RaSa Reshot.com 766fd6f-4fb7-42b7-96de-2f2278410ccfb.jpg @twenty20.com/squir_rel |
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Zhouzhbang, Suzhou, CHINA round door |
Chastagner Thierry Unsplash 694402 @chasta03 |
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Oslo, NORWAY blue door, green ivy |
Jomas Jacobson Unsplash 344604 @jomasjacobsson |
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Kynance Mews, London, UK street by park |
Bruno Martins Unsplash 442125 @brunus |
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Caldas de Rainha, PORTUGAL blue door amid blue tiles |
Catarina Carvalho Unsplash 344980 @catvcarvalho |
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Kabah, MEXICO | Yohann Mourie Unsplash 610612 @wanderingkid |
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Alhambra, SPAIN Brown ornate doorway |
Victoria Izquierdo Unsplash 109924 @Vickizgar |
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Citadella, Budapest, HUNGARY | Daniel Olah Unsplash 462835 @danesduet |
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country unknown walkway in woods |
Unsplash 235734 | |
Plitvicer Seen, CROATIA overview walkway, National Park |
Dominik Lange Unsplash 41378 |
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RUSSIA path thru snowy woods |
Agoi Thongam Unsplash 409694 @sanatombithongam |
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Arizona, USA Grand Canyon |
Morias Unsplash 66036 |
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CHINA Shelter beside path in woods |
Vladimir Fofanov Free Images |
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Masai Mara National Reserve, KENYA | Julie Wolpers Unsplash 604492 @jwolpers |
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Rhodes, GREECE sailboat, homeward bound |
Serhat Beyazkaya Unsplash 666310 @serhatbeyazkaya |
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Bandung, INDONESIA two warrior doors |
Ali Yahya Unsplash 345659 @ayahya09 |
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Visegrad, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA bridge on River Drina, completed in 1577 |
Torsten Muller Unsplash 30382 @neptunian |
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Unknown country, greenhouse | Johannes Hofmann Unsplash 536077 @quicksand |
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Reykjavik, ICELAND Overview of park in winter |
Willian Justen de Vascondellos Unsplash 425778 @willianjusten |
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Venice, ITALY city bridge |
Ricardo Gomez Angel Unsplash 576482 @ripato |
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INDONESIA rice fields |
Claudia Fernandez Ortiz Unsplash 627856 @claudia_ortiz |
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map | Rawpixel Unsplash 191102 @rawpixel |
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Tymfi, GREECE hiker in mountains |
Andreas Chu Unsplash 324956 @andreaschu |
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Agra, INDIA orange door |
Ibrahim Rifath Unsplash 787509 @photoripey |
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Lisbon, PORTUGAL yellow door |
Karla Caloca Unsplash 416107 @Karlacaloca |
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Majorca, SPAIN Brown door, red flowers |
Eva Zakaryan Reshot.com 5edc178e-f7eb-4680-9f68-26be0b6be |
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NEW ZEALAND contemplation |
Liam Simpson Unsplash 424149 @liamsimpson |
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AUSTRIA hiker on snowy path |
Serhat Beyazkaya Unsplash 584329 @serhatbeyazkaya |
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Fruska Gora, SERBIA fog in woods |
Goran Vucicevic Unsplash 180641 @goranvuc |
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country unknown bench, path on hill |
Jan Schultz Unsplash 97411 @janosch |
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Cuenta, ECUADOR heavy dark doors |
Isabel Garger Unsplash 563070 @isa_g |
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TURKEY table and two red chairs |
Elena Bikulova Reshot ceaac38b-b07c-41e8-9142-d5811c1274 |
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Golden Gate Bridge, CA, USA | Daniel SeBler Unsplash 587314 @daniel sassier |
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SWEDEN steps down to lake |
Oskars Sylwan Unsplash 692982 @oskarssylwan |
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CUBA | Istock 854320954 | |
Szechenyi Chain Bridge, Budapest, HUNGARY | Daniel Olah Unsplash 72059 @danesduet10 |
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Colonia del Sacramento, URAGUAY | Marcela Laskoski Unsplash 63687 @marcelalaskowski |
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Tamnougalt, MOROCCO camel train in desert |
Sergey Pesterev Unsplash 222162 @sickle |
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CANADA unfinished wood door |
Jason Rosewell Unsplash 258279 @jasonrosewell |
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Chefchaouen, MOROCCO blue door, blue wall |
Dimitrie Stanescu Unsplash 1089906 @dimitrieraw |
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Oia, GREECE White home, blue door, ocean |
Tom Grimbert Unsplash 659320 @tom_grimbert |
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