Looking into the Heart of Your Anger – Loud and Quiet
Both anger and conflict are valuable parts of our lives! Don’t push anger away until it has given you some insight into where you are hurting and what you are deeply wanting at that moment. And, if anger is your best strategy for protection from being abused, don’t let go of your anger until you have worked out better ways of protecting yourself and expressing your needs.
The first challenge is to quickly notice your anger and refrain from speaking or acting on it, i.e. contain it. Be with your feelings, re-center yourself, find the needs related to your anger, and then choose your response. Your goal is to act thoughtfully, even powerfully, rather than react.
We usually think of anger as loud, even explosive. I have recently begun to see another set of behaviors as also expressing anger, a quieter type of anger in which a person lets it leak out in little ways. When a person has not yet found skills to notice their needs and is instead focused on “being nice,” they are prone to quiet anger. Other contributors to quiet anger are resentment, bitterness, hopelessness, and despair around chronically unmet needs. Quiet anger releases the internal pressure a little at a time and brings some relief.
Unfortunately these actions are at least as harmful to a relationship as explosions of anger and perhaps more so because they are somewhat less likely to be noticed.
Emily: I never considered my irritated tone of voice, sarcasm and trying to be right all the time, as expressions of anger and therefore violent communication! The day I read this, I was having a difficult time while walking the kids home from school. It was 6 pm by the time we got to the front door. The sun had already set and we were all very hungry, tired and ready for a rest. I heard myself saying sarcastically to Aiden, “Would it be too much to ask for you to just walk down the hall to the door without me having to carry you?” Then, I realized what I had just said. I stopped, took a breath, apologized to Aiden and gave him a hug. I know I am not up to the noticing-the-needs-under-the-anger stage yet, but being in the phase of observing my behaviors is good enough for me now. I celebrate my small achievements.
QUIET ANGER IS OFTEN EXPRESSED BY
- Sarcasm
- Passive-aggressive behaviors such as being late regularly or forgetting commitments
- Putting the other person down, especially in public
- Making it a point to prove that you are right and the other person is wrong
- Smugness or self-righteousness, expressed in attitude, comments, or tone of voice
- Habitual crabbiness or bitchiness to a person or in a particular situation or on a job
- Frequent complaints about small matters
- Minor punitive, vengeful actions
- Harsh tone of voice and non-verbal signs of irritation at the person
What needs are under these actions? When I have expressed myself in some of these ways, it was my best effort to request connection, appreciation, and support. You can guess that people around me often missed the message! So, if you find yourself expressing your anger in quiet ways, I hope you will be gentle with yourself and listen for the underlying needs, perhaps ones that have been unmet for a long time. Then you can find more accurate ways of reaching out for what you want.
from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com