Pretending to Listen and other Non-Listening Options
Pretending to listen is a barrier? Sometimes it is rude not to pretend.
Pretending to listen is a survival skill for many people – young and old. You always have the option of letting the teacher or the guy on your bowling team know what you would prefer to hear, what would better meet your needs, and see what happens. But most of the time, people do not choose to do that and I cannot honestly recommend that you do so in all circumstances.
Sometimes, pretending to listen is the best option you can find to do in a situation.
Maybe ease is more important than intimacy to you with casual friends. Ask yourself, “Do I want my friends to pretend to listen to me?” Ask your friends. Maybe you do want people to pretend to be interested and they prefer this pretense. If so, you both know what the other person would prefer, at this time, and you now know more accurately what their listening means to them.
WHAT FITS FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS?
Ask two friends and report on your findings. (Do you believe them?)
Friend:______________________________
Says they prefer:_______________________________________
Friend:______________________________
Says they prefer:_______________________________________
What about pretending to listen to my good friends or my partner? I am not going to say, “No, I don’t want to listen to you.”
Laura: My best friend, Erika, called me Monday night to talk about herself and her boyfriend. I was in the middle of studying and then I had to go to work, but she immediately started talking. I allowed Erika to continue talking for a few minutes, then I realized I did not really know what she was saying. I tried to interrupt her, but she continued to talk. I finally got up the courage to say, “Erika, I am not listening to you.” She stopped talking long enough for me to explain what I was doing and to plan a time to talk later that night. I was a much more focused listener later when we returned to the conversation.
In important relationships, be responsible for your ears.
Let a talker know whether they are working.
It is helpful to ask, “Is this a good time to talk?” You can always let the speaker know about your availability even when they do not ask. Taking responsibility for whether your ears and your heart are present allows for better listening. If the timing is not good for you and if it is an important relationship, you might want to tell them what you are saying “Yes” to instead of listening to them.
USEFUL PHRASES AT WORK OR WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS:
I am in the middle of XXX right now. Can I find you in three hours so I can give you my undivided attention?
I’m good for about twenty minutes. Does that work for you?
I am expecting a brief call in the next hour. It will only take a minute or two, but I want to take it. So, if you are ok with a short interruption, I can listen now.
I am on the other line – may I call you back in about ten minutes?
I am exhausted and not really able to bring much energy to listening right now. Can we possibly postpone this discussion until next week?
I am running behind on my project and will have to work late tonight. It would be really helpful to me if you could make an effort to be brief and to the point. Ok for you?
PHRASES MORE LIKELY TO BE USEFUL WITH FAMILY OR FRIENDS:
I am fixing supper and I am half listening, but this sounds important. Shall I stop fixing or do you want to plan a time to talk later or are you ok with me giving you divided attention?
You know, I could listen much better if you give me five minutes to go to the bathroom and get a glass of water. OK?
I am really into this game on the TV. Could we wait and talk at the next commercial? Or is it urgent enough to you that I should turn the TV off and give you my full attention?
I am in a silly mood and don’t have much wisdom right now. Want to take your chances?
from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com