Remember Your Audience and Be Choiceful

Here are some considerations that could improve your ability to connect with your listeners. If we bring our options to awareness, we can act in ways that are more closely aligned with our values.

CHOICES FOR TALKING

  1. Be choiceful in stepping into and out of roles.
  2. Be choiceful in the setting and timing of speaking.
  3. Revisit a conversation you think did not go well – give it another chance.
  4. Speak to your loved ones as if you loved them.
  5. Plan a talk about talking.
  6. Practice a difficult scenario out loud before doing it for real.

 

1. Be choiceful in stepping into and out of roles.

Rick: Honestly I can say I have two different sides – occupational and regular me. I will respond to different situations depending on what side I am showing. The occupational side has been trained not to show any emotion whatsoever. This side was formulated into a shell empty of emotion in order to combat the everyday stress of police work.  But I soon saw myself changing. This occupational side started creeping into the rest of me. Like the old saying – leave your work at work; don’t bring it home. I found myself the opposite. My work was starting to take over me, what I believed, and the way I acted. Honestly, by my actions now, you can easily tell what I do for an occupation.

If you have a role of authority (such as a parent, social worker, medical doctor, airline pilot, or a member of the police department) society expects you to have a particular expertise and responsibility. Therefore, in prescribed situations, you need to communicate with your words, tone of voice, and body stance that you are in charge. The challenge is to empower yourself to use that authority wisely when it is appropriate, to remain professional, to not exceed the authority needed, and to let go of that role in other situations. It takes awareness to both claim authority and to relinquish it.

2. Be choiceful in the setting and timing of speaking.

TJ: We have been taking turns taking our trash to the end of the driveway on Mondays for the trash company to collect. I wanted to change the system and get my roommate to take over the responsibility of dishes and I would deal with the trash. I thought I would get the better end of the deal, so I thought carefully how to present my request in a way that would address both his needs and mine. The problem was when I did not think about his state of mind. He had just gotten off the phone with his ex-girlfriend and he was pretty upset. Instead of negotiating a better arrangement, we got into a big argument over the trash.

Ned: In past relations of mine, I find that when the two of us can talk and actually listen to one another, things are okay, but if I see her at school with a bunch of her friends, I’ve learned to avoid trying to talk with her about serious things. She will be distracted and I know she won’t listen to me.

Communication coaches will tell you that neglecting to carefully pick a good time to bring up a matter is the number one cause of failure in resolving conflicts. Besides asking a person whether this is a good time for them to talk, one can also use some common sense. When a person is exhausted, drunk, or headed out for an exam or a job interview, it is not a useful time to talk. This may be obvious, but I confess that I sometimes get so focused on what I want to share and so excited about it, that I have been oblivious to whether the listener is really available to listen.

The rhythm of talking is also important. Talking too long invites the listener to disengage. For those of us who can go on for ten minutes without coming up for air, it is consistently helpful to remember to stop every few minutes and connect with your listener. This gives the other person a chance to reflect, respond, grunt at you, smile at you, whatever. This is a good time to ask, “Still interested?” “Up for hearing some more?” Most listeners do not feel comfortable interrupting with, “Wait, I am losing you here.” The more customary response is to tune you out or fall asleep.

Talking in bite-size chunks helps you and your listener stay in closer connection. It gives you, the speaker, a moment to re-gather perspective on what else you want to say. This improves personal relationships. It seems to improve sharing information also. I have been shortening the time I talk in class before I stop to get student input and have much better discussions.

3. Revisit a conversation that you think did not go well – give it another chance.

Allyson: Some of my friends still live at home with their parents, so they like to get out as much as possible. When they were looking for a party spot, they told me they wanted to use my house. I told them I had a big exam the next day, but they kept right on nagging and then acting like they assumed they would have the party at my house. I did not know what to do, but it seemed like it was worth a try to use the lessons from class. The next time I saw them and they started asking what time they should tell people to come, I just said, “No, I am not having this party. You either need to find another location or skip it.” They finally got it that I was serious. I can see how I waste a lot of time trying to avoid conflict.

Janet: My son, Jon, told me he was talking with a realtor about getting a place of his own. Before he could elaborate any more, I blurted out “Your credit is bad – the bank won’t give you a loan.” Later I realized my words were belittling, judging and insulting. I did better when I returned to the conversation.

Only on TV do people always say it the way they wanted to the first time. And that just means the scriptwriters wrote and rewrote the lines before the show. In real life, we often do not speak clearly; the other person does not understand what we meant; or something is just “off” in any particular conversation. Notice when the memory of a conversation does not sit well and try again. If you miss it the first time around, give it another try, as soon as you can. You usually have the option of blowing it, thinking about it, and then returning to a conversation and cleaning it up.

4. Speak to your loved ones as if you loved them.

Suzanne: I have been known to say to my boyfriend, “God, stop bothering me,” when all I really wanted was for him to give me a few minutes to read something. He got mad, I got upset and then a big fight followed. What I could have said instead is “I need a minute to read this article. It is important. Is that okay with you?” I’m sure he would have understood and given the time I asked for. This could eliminate a lot of silly fights.

This reminder about how we speak to our loved ones calls many people up short. Perhaps we have lapsed into old habits and respond to feeling any kind of relational distress by complaining and blaming. Even if this blame is not spoken, but sits unresolved in our minds, it may well come out in our tone of voice and in our choice of actions.

As we relax with loved ones, we are inclined to get sloppy about the energy we bring them. In his book on communication skills for developing more loving relationships, author Randy Fujishin, Gifts from the Heart, reminds us that a relationship needs to be fed and nurtured regularly, like a growing tree. We need quality time together, not just the leftover time. Using life-alienating language and sharing only surface stuff instead of the underlying feelings and concerns slowly deadens a relationship.

How alive are your relationships? Have you stopped talking about things that are important?

5. Plan a talk about talking.

Jana: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 4 years. During the first year, when our trust was developing between each other, we always fought over what we now consider to be stupid things. After we almost broke up one day, I realized that all of our arguments seemed to include one of us saying something like, “You aren’t even listening to me!” and the accused person getting even more angry. So I asked my boyfriend to sit down with me and talk about our arguments and how we could change things between us so that we could both be happy in our relationship. He agreed that when we were upset it seemed the other person was not listening. When we could acknowledge this pattern together, we could see why things were getting messy. We decided we needed to slow down and let the other person know we were listening and understood what they were saying before telling our side of the disagreement. It worked. For the past three years, we have gotten through our arguments more effectively and solved problems more efficiently. The disagreements are now small and we can move on after a disagreement and not dwell on it forever. We have had a more pleasant, exciting and fun relationship.

John: I see I am task-oriented and my girlfriend often tells me “the story of her life” before asking me for even the simplest things. I cannot stay focused and I slip out of listening. To help with this problem, we talked about it and have agreed that she shall try to get to the point directly on simple matters and I shall try to remind her gently, if she forgets. Also I have promised to try to stay focused and listen carefully for more important items, like how she is feeling or how her day went.

The fancy name for this is meta-communication or communication about communication. Another important use of meta-communication is framing an upcoming discussion. “I would like ten minutes of your time to discuss xxx.” Friends or partners can strengthen the relationship by bringing up problems at a non-tense time; for example, to choose a quiet time to talk about how it is when things are tense between you. You might say something like, “I notice that sometimes I fly off the handle and say things I don’t mean. I want to change that. Here is what I am considering. I want to stop talking before I mouth off next time and go for a walk. I promise I will initiate picking up the conversation again within a few hours or at least tell you that I have not forgotten my promise, but that I need more time to sort myself out. How does that sound to you?”

If a relationship is in trouble, of course you need to say so. If it is not in jeopardy, then it is very helpful to add a reassuring frame, limiting the scope of your concern, “Overall I am solidly here with our relationship. And the way we divide the chores is not working for me. I would like to talk about it and figure out together a way that works for both of us.” Visually, I picture holding your partner’s hand with one hand – “I love you. Our relationship is solid. Together we will find a solution for this issue.” And then holding your other hand up – “This part is not working for me.” When a person is fearful about losing the whole relationship, they will have more trouble hearing your concern about a particular interaction. This is especially important in new relationships.

6. Practice a difficult scenario out loud before doing it for real.

Ryan: I learned some important tools in class to help me with feelings of anger. The first is to identify scenarios that could result in feelings of anger, and then to practice in my head how I want to act before those scenarios happen. Then I will be better prepared to deal with them when they actually happen.

One more suggestion: identify conversations that might be difficult for you or wherein you frequently lose your connection to self and others. Get a friend to role-play with you. You could ask:

“When I try to ask someone out on a date, I shut down and get tongue-tied. Would you be willing to help me figure out what to say and then to practice it with me?”

“Every time my father wants to talk about my future, I get furious with him. Would you be willing to play his role, so I can practice what I want to say until it comes out the way I want it to?”

from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com