Self-Care in Personal Relationships
I thought relationships are about giving to someone else. Self-care in a close personal relationship sounds really selfish to me.
Jay: I decided to break up with my girlfriend. She thought she loved me and maybe she did, but she would barely give me any time for myself. She told me it was hard for her to leave me alone because she liked me so much and she felt safe and happy with me. This was one of the nicest things I have ever heard. Every time she was afraid, she called and I talked her through it. I tried hard to be there for her, but I was getting more and more emotionally drained. I found myself biting my tongue often when I was feeling irritated at her. She said she would try harder to give me more room, but she said the same things two months ago and she hasn’t changed her actions. I could not figure out how to get my space. This frustrated me so badly I realized the only way to fix the problem was to break up with her, even though I did not want to hurt her feelings.
Sarah: I would really like some time for myself, to not be running around all the time trying to complete tasks for everyone else. I think this is harder for women. Women naturally want to help everyone they care about and to be there for them. They often forget to take care of themselves. Last night I wanted to stay home and work on this paper, but my boyfriend wanted my attention and I couldn’t say “No.” I am now up this morning typing my heart out with my coffee at my side.
It is very hard to maintain personal relationships if your sole priority is taking care of the other person. Many people find that when they start with noticing their own needs and then the other person’s needs, they are more likely to find outcomes that work for everyone.
Perhaps when Sarah looked inside, she would have found two honorable needs in apparent conflict – her need for connection and her need for achievement. “I could spend the evening hanging out with my boyfriend or I could write my paper.” At this point she might choose to put both of these needs on the table and tell her boyfriend what is happening inside for her and find out what her boyfriend is feeling and wanting. “I am feeling torn. I would love to spend the evening talking – our relationship is important to me. And I am also concerned about getting my paper written for class tomorrow afternoon.” If he does not even know about her conflicting choices, he misses the opportunity of supporting her in her scholastic endeavors or giving his input on how important conversing at this time is to him. She misses knowing about his support or his urgency to talk.
And they miss the chance of weighing together whether the urgency he feels to share this evening is more important than doing the paper. Looking together at all the needs, people have a better chance of working out ways to respect all of the needs. If one party makes the decision without consulting the other person, they lose a valuable chance to connect, to strengthen their relationship.
from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com