Success Script – Listening for Connection
Title: A Different Kind of Concert
Name: Justin
Date: 10/25/07
Background: My brother and I don’t seem to talk much unless he is drunk. We usually have pretty surface conversations, meaning we don’t get too deep. I normally find myself just waiting for my turn to talk with him because he does the same thing with me.
New Behavior: My brother and I were driving in my car on our way to a concert by Wasted City in Fort Ethan Allen. We were excited to go see it and were talking about having a good time. His phone rang and he answered it. It was his girlfriend. He had a quick, nice conversation with her and then ended the conversation with an “I love you.” He sighed just after he hung up, but not in a light-hearted way. I then asked him a leading question, “That sigh didn’t sound happy. Is there something wrong between you and Amber (his girlfriend)?” This is when his verbal dam broke and he let out everything. He went on and on for 15 minutes. I was listening intently, using my best listening skills. After the 15 minutes of solid, unfaltering narration where he explained what was wrong, I led him to keep talking by saying, “So all of this is making you feel differently toward Amber?” That was enough to keep him going for another 20 minutes. He only stopped when we arrived at the concert. I said, “Why don’t we just wait to go in? I want to know more.” He continued and about 20 minutes later he had let everything out and he felt great. He gave me a hug and thanked me for listening and reassured me that his brother is the only one out there who he knows really cares and will really listen.
Why I Consider This a Success: My new listening skills reminded me to create the airspace for my brother to talk himself through his issues with his girlfriend. It took a load off of his shoulders that I could actually see had been lifted. He later told me that his relationship is stronger now that he has gotten his insecurities on the surface for himself and now he knows what he needs to share with Amber.
Plans for the Future: I want to maintain the conversation style with my brother because he is more or less my best friend and I love having the ability to talk about anything with him.
from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com