The Value of Noticing Uncomfortable Feelings
Katelyn: If you are not in the mood to talk, then say so before it gets out of control. I never thought of just telling someone that I don’t want to talk at that moment. This semester, I practiced with my close friends. Just last night I was watching a movie. My boyfriend called right at the end and I told him I was going to have to call back. He was like “fine.” After the movie was over, I explained and it was no problem!
In class, we considered which feelings we would not like to feel. Some mentioned anger, fear, and jealousy. Others listed “irritation with a friend” because of a desire not to hurt anyone’s feelings. If Katelyn had not noticed, not made a request, there could well have been an undertone of tension between them all evening. The frequent denial of one’s own feelings and needs when they conflict with one’s self-image such as being nice, kind, or strong, is a common dilemma. It often goes under such phrases as “It is no big deal.” or “Others have bigger problems.” We concluded that it is important to notice both comfortable and uncomfortable feelings and to hear their message.
Someone asked, “Isn’t it character-building to do things you fear?” Several students replied that it was useful to feel the fear, apply reason, and then decide whether to use the fear as a warning and reminder of good sense or to notice the fear, consider the risk involved, and decide to push oneself to do the activity anyway.
It was a new concept for some to see that there might be an important message from ourselves to ourselves under any feeling; like the gas gauge on a car – sometimes comforting, sometimes alarming, but generally useful. A fireman going into a burning building might want to ignore fear for a short time, but if he or she ignored it indefinitely, they could get ulcers or a heart attack. The fear might be reminding them that the safety of the fire equipment needs to be upgraded. Or perhaps they have a child and want to take fewer risks so that they live to parent the child.
| FINDING WISDOM UNDER UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS |
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| See fireman example and then fill in the spaces with two of your own examples. |
| I prefer not to feel: fear about going into a burning house |
| A good time to not be in touch with this feeling: when going into a burning house |
| A disadvantage of never noticing this feeling: I could neglect to talk with the fire chief about getting newer equipment for us. I could die because of the old equipment. |
| Advantage of noticing this feeling: I could request safer equipment |
| I prefer not to feel: |
| A good time to not be in touch with this feeling:
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| A disadvantage of never noticing this feeling:
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| Advantage of noticing this feeling:
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| I prefer not to feel: |
| A good time to not be in touch with this feeling:
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| A disadvantage of never noticing this feeling:
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| Advantage of noticing this feeling:
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from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com