Two Sure-Fire Ways To Not Get What You Want
1. Don’t bring it up.
I got a strange lesson growing up: it is not polite to say “No” to someone and therefore it is rude to ask directly for what you wanted, which might mean someone else might have to say that awful word “No!” I learned an elaborate system of giving subtle hints and expecting mind reading, which only worked sometimes. I am sorry to report I am not alone in this.
Rob: I have trouble making requests. I am too nervous or shy to express my true feelings or needs. I guess I sort of “beat around the bush” hoping that the person I am speaking to will magically know what I am trying to say. I have at least begun to recognize that I have had an issue with stating my feelings in a vague way without ever letting the receiver know exactly what I want or how I feel and why.
2. Blame someone else.
Another culturally habitual response when our needs are not getting met is to get angry with the other person and blame them for not meeting our needs, sometimes even when we ourselves have neglected to ask for what we want! Rosenberg calls this life-alienating communication, because instead of increasing the likelihood of getting our needs met, we are increasing the likelihood that we will not get them met. How sad!
Most people resent being told they are wrong and become defensive. They then put energy into defending themselves against the criticism or they comply out of fear, guilt, resentment, or duty, which lowers the quality of the relationship.
Sometimes we imagine that we are educating people about their mistakes. You may know parents, teachers, or even peers who frequently criticize the actions of others and focus on letting people know whenever they make a mistake. It is a fairly ineffective way to inspire change.
Sarah: Requests are often mistaken for demands when the listener believes they are going to be punished. We can avoid this by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they are willing. It’s important to remember that the objective of Nonviolent Communication is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy and not to change people.
John: When my girlfriend says, “Don’t drive so fast,” I always think, “Who is she to decide how fast I drive my car? I am the driver and it’s my car, so it is my decision.” If she instead had said, “Please drive below the speed limit. The road is icy and I feel afraid,” I would not jump to a defensive position.
from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com