Using Needs-Based Decision-Making

Tiphaine: I like when others are pleased thanks to me. Last week I made crepes for the entire dorm. I was really pleased because they seemed satisfied. However, I was also frustrated because I tasted just one crepe! At first I felt angry because I blamed the others, but in the end, I blamed myself. I was too nice. I shouldn’t have given away all the crepes.

Tiphaine noticed her need for contribution, but not her need for self-care. Sometimes meeting all of your needs seems impossible at any one point in your life. Other times you will see that strategies appear to be in conflict. Rosenberg says that you can meet all of your needs, although sometimes not with the timing you had in mind, nor with your initial strategy.

How can I use awareness of my needs to make my life better?

First, identify your needs in a challenging situation. Remember that needs are universal, and strategies are possible ways to meet these needs that involve specific actions by specific people. As you look at the needs you bring to a situation, you can understand why it may be difficult.

Second, recall that there are many strategies to meet every need. So, take time to brainstorm strategies / actions you could take that would meet more or all of your needs. While you are brainstorming remember to freely generate a list of ideas without any evaluation. To judge each idea as you go will interfere with your creativity. More on brainstorming – pages 183 and 193.

Third, decide which options to put into action. After letting your creativity generate possibilities, return to your list and weigh which ideas best suit you to follow through on, at this time. A decision to try this out or a very short-term commitment is enough for now. This relates to making requests of yourself rather than demands of yourself. Fourth, act on your decision and evaluate the results. If you have more thoughts, return to the last three steps and do them again.

EXAMPLE – NEEDS-BASED DECISION-MAKING
1. Identify challenge. 2. Brainstorm. 3. Decide. 4. Act and evaluate results.
1. Challenge:

I see tension between my need for connecting with peers – especially finding a girlfriend, and my need for achievement – good grades and a good job when I graduate.
2. Brainstorm:

Study during the week and party on the weekends.
Party every other week and study alternate weeks.
Study this semester and party next semester.
Party this semester and study next semester.
Go to the parties and take my book along.
Go to the library between classes and finish homework so I can go out after supper.
Put an ad in the paper for a female with a good sense of humor who also likes study dates.
Ask my roommate’s girlfriend to set me up with a friend of hers who is serious about her grades.
3. Decision:

I think I will go to the library between classes and finish with homework so I can go out after supper, and ask my roommate’s girlfriend to set me up with a friend of hers who is serious about her grades, too.
4. Act and evaluate results.
1. Challenge:

 

 

 
2. Brainstorm:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
3. Decision:

 

 
4. Act and evaluate results.

from Connection: A Self-Care Path for Resolving Differences
Bonnie R. Fraser, www.exploreconnection.com